“You can’t turn this attendance sheet in.”
You look at the woman across the table. “But I only missed one lecture!”
“Exactly. You need a certain number of in-class hours to receive credit for the pre-semester session, and by missing that single class you have now failed everything ever.”
“But our professor said we could miss a few.”
“Well your professor was wrong and we can’t do anything about it. Sorry.”
You take back your attendance record and walk out of the office, wondering how your professor could have come up with an attendance policy that directly conflicts with the Institute’s actual rules. You briefly consider the fact that your professor also happens to be the president of the entire Language Institute and wonder if the term ‘ironic’ could apply to this circumstance.
You’ve got two options: just roll with it and see what happens, or immediately go to IES’ Freiburg office to see what they think about it.
If you want to WAIT, turn to PAGE 2.
If you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, turn to PAGE 3.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 2
The Institute said you’re not getting credit, so waiting to figure it all out shouldn’t make anything worse than it already is. In the meantime, there’s an end-of-the-presession party being thrown by the Institute and you’re invited! The professors are there, handing out the final grade and credit totals on fancy, fancy paper. You take yours and look at it. Yep, good grades but only 4 credits out of the required 5. Oh well.
You find Mr. M, a classmate, looking over his grades. He looks up, obviously happy: “Hey man, I did pretty well. How’d you do?”
“My grades are fine, but since I missed a lecture I’ve only got 4 credits and am technically unable to ‘graduate’ from the presession level.”
“Woah, what? I missed a lecture too, but I got full credit.”
“ . . . ”
“Are you okay?”
“WHAT.”
“Yeah, the lady at the desk told me the attendance sheet was worthless but I turned it in anyway and got full credit. What did you do?”
“She said the same thing to me, which is exactly why I didn’t turn it in. According to the Institute, it wouldn’t have made a difference.”
“Oh, Wow. You should probably talk to someone about that.”
Duly noted. You set out for IES, determined to figure out just what’s going on.
Turn to PAGE 3.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 3
You kick the doors open like some kind of action hero, but not really, because you’ve forgotten the security code for IES’ main office again, and you know that the numbers 1, 9, 3, 2, and 0 are involved but you can’t remember the right order. 19320. No. 12039? No. 1931 . . .
Two minutes and one knock on the door later, you’re in the main administrator’s office, telling him about your ordeal. The administrator smiles, clearly familiar with this situation. “All IES needs is your attendance record. Your university will give you full credit even though the Institute didn’t, and you won’t lose access to Institute’s high-level Winter Semester courses.”
“…So there was nothing to worry about in the first place?”
“No.”
Success!
“Well that’s a relief, I guess.”
“While you’re here, would you like to register for classes?”
ABSOLUTELY! Turn to PAGE 5.
NOOO! Turn to PAGE 4.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 4
“NOOO!”
The administrator looks at you as if you had just given him an inappropriate response. “Uh, you sure about that? I mean, all the students have to register in my office, and you’re here now, so why not register while you’re here?”
Touché, Herr Administrator. Turn to PAGE 5.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 5
You register for four language courses through the institute and one Politics course offered by IES. There is also a German Literature class that you’re interested in, but since it’s an actual University course you need to register for it in Freiburg University’s Germanic Studies office.
Herr Administrator leans back in his chair. “University registration starts on Monday, so you should probably be there then. Be careful – those classes fill up fast.”
You lean forward in yours. “Okay. Is there anything else I need to do or anything I need to know?”
PAGE 5
You register for four language courses through the institute and one Politics course offered by IES. There is also a German Literature class that you’re interested in, but since it’s an actual University course you need to register for it in Freiburg University’s Germanic Studies office.
Herr Administrator leans back in his chair. “University registration starts on Monday, so you should probably be there then. Be careful – those classes fill up fast.”
You lean forward in yours. “Okay. Is there anything else I need to do or anything I need to know?”
"Nope; you are officially registered for your IES and Institute courses and nothing further is required of you.”
“So all I need to do is show up to class on Tuesday?”
“Yes. Like I said, there is not a single factor in any conceivable universe that could possibly alter the actuality of your state of being registered for these classes.”
“Great! Thanks for your help.”
You go back to your flat and check your email. There they are: four registration confirmations for your classes with the Institute. You now have no other responsibilities other than registering for your Lit class on Monday. Success!
Or not. Turn to PAGE 6!
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 6
You pass Ms. J on the way out of your apartment building. She looks concerned.
“Did you know that you have to turn in your registration confirmation papers?”
You do a double-take. “What? Nobody said anything about that.”
Ms. J shakes her head. “I know. Mr. A has been telling people about it, and I have no idea why nobody else knows.”
“Does it affect our registration?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. It sounds important enough, though. I don’t know about you, but I’m printing mine out as soon as possible.”
Okay, so now you know that you need to print these papers to confirm your registration. No biggie. Just print them out on Tuesday, before class starts, and you’ll be fine. Or you could always think ahead and print them now while it’s still the weekend.
If you want to PRINT NOW, turn to PAGE 7.
“So all I need to do is show up to class on Tuesday?”
“Yes. Like I said, there is not a single factor in any conceivable universe that could possibly alter the actuality of your state of being registered for these classes.”
“Great! Thanks for your help.”
You go back to your flat and check your email. There they are: four registration confirmations for your classes with the Institute. You now have no other responsibilities other than registering for your Lit class on Monday. Success!
Or not. Turn to PAGE 6!
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 6
You pass Ms. J on the way out of your apartment building. She looks concerned.
“Did you know that you have to turn in your registration confirmation papers?”
You do a double-take. “What? Nobody said anything about that.”
Ms. J shakes her head. “I know. Mr. A has been telling people about it, and I have no idea why nobody else knows.”
“Does it affect our registration?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. It sounds important enough, though. I don’t know about you, but I’m printing mine out as soon as possible.”
Okay, so now you know that you need to print these papers to confirm your registration. No biggie. Just print them out on Tuesday, before class starts, and you’ll be fine. Or you could always think ahead and print them now while it’s still the weekend.
If you want to PRINT NOW, turn to PAGE 7.
If you want to REGISTER FIRST and PRINT LATER, turn to PAGE 9.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 7
It’s unnecessary but sensible, and your responsibility pays off: you notice some fine print on the receipts that says there’s a placement exam on Monday! It’s a good thing you printed these out today instead of on Monday or Tuesday. Success!
You still need to register for your Lit class. You check the University’s registration schedule and see that course registration officially starts on Monday and ends in one month. You’ve got time. Do you register on Monday, like Herr Administrator suggested, or do you wait until the middle of the week since you’ve got so much to do?
You should REGISTER IMMEDIATELY. Turn to PAGE 9.
No need to rush things. TAKE YOUR TIME and turn to PAGE 10.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 8
It’s Tuesday morning, and you’re printing the receipts in IES’ computer lab. While you’re printing the documents, you notice some fine print. There’s a comprehensive placement exam for the Institute courses. Yesterday. The big placement exam was yesterday.
Being on top of things is your responsibility, so missing this exam is technically your fault. You can’t help but ponder, however, the inexplicably broken logic of what just happened, namely that a vitally important piece of information was written in fine print on the corner of a newly-discovered-to-be-necessary document that advertised itself as nothing more than a receipt.
With the exception of the fine print on a document you didn’t need to look at until the day after the exam took place there was absolutely no other indication of any further responsibility. No - there had to have been warnings, signs! Something! But you were, in fact, informed in no uncertain terms that nothing else was required of you. Isn’t this kind of big to just omit? Were you expected to sense the presence of an upcoming test? It’s a placement test for ALL of your courses with the Institute! A placement test is something that determines which classes you enter and whether you’re in the classes at all!
Your brain can’t handle this level of stress. You decide to email the Institute about it, and a response arrives in less than four hours. They tell you to just go to the classes you think are on your level and see how they fit.
PAGE 8
It’s Tuesday morning, and you’re printing the receipts in IES’ computer lab. While you’re printing the documents, you notice some fine print. There’s a comprehensive placement exam for the Institute courses. Yesterday. The big placement exam was yesterday.
Being on top of things is your responsibility, so missing this exam is technically your fault. You can’t help but ponder, however, the inexplicably broken logic of what just happened, namely that a vitally important piece of information was written in fine print on the corner of a newly-discovered-to-be-necessary document that advertised itself as nothing more than a receipt.
With the exception of the fine print on a document you didn’t need to look at until the day after the exam took place there was absolutely no other indication of any further responsibility. No - there had to have been warnings, signs! Something! But you were, in fact, informed in no uncertain terms that nothing else was required of you. Isn’t this kind of big to just omit? Were you expected to sense the presence of an upcoming test? It’s a placement test for ALL of your courses with the Institute! A placement test is something that determines which classes you enter and whether you’re in the classes at all!
Your brain can’t handle this level of stress. You decide to email the Institute about it, and a response arrives in less than four hours. They tell you to just go to the classes you think are on your level and see how they fit.
. . . so there was nothing to worry about in the first place. Success!
If you have already registered for the Lit course, turn to PAGE 11.
If you haven’t registered, turn to PAGE 10.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 9
PAGE 9
You go to the Germanic Studies office to register for your Lit class. The advisor asks what group you’re in (this conversation occurs in German).
“Excuse me?”
“In welcher Gruppe bist du?” as if enunciation would further clarify the cognate.
“I understand, I just don’t know what you mean”
“IES, Erasmus, etc…”
“Oh! IU Academic Year through IES.”
“Fine. What do you want to register for?”
You register for your Lit class without incident. Success!
If you’ve already printed your receipts and are ready to GO TO YOUR FIRST CLASS, turn to PAGE 11.
If you still need to PRINT YOUR RECEIPTS, turn to PAGE 8.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 10
You go to the Germanic Studies office to register for your Lit class. The advisor asks which group you’re in (this conversation occurrs in German).
“Excuse me?”
“In welcher Gruppe bist du?” unnecessarily enunciating the cognate.
“In welcher Gruppe bist du?” as if enunciation would further clarify the cognate.
“I understand, I just don’t know what you mean”
“IES, Erasmus, etc…”
“Oh! IU Academic Year through IES.”
“Fine. What do you want to register for?”
You register for your Lit class without incident. Success!
If you’ve already printed your receipts and are ready to GO TO YOUR FIRST CLASS, turn to PAGE 11.
If you still need to PRINT YOUR RECEIPTS, turn to PAGE 8.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 10
You go to the Germanic Studies office to register for your Lit class. The advisor asks which group you’re in (this conversation occurrs in German).
“Excuse me?”
“In welcher Gruppe bist du?” unnecessarily enunciating the cognate.
“I understand the words, I just don’t know what you mean”
“IES, Erasmus, etc…”
“Oh! IU Academic Year through IES.”
It’s Wednesday. Monday was your day. WHY are you so late?
Nobody was ever told this, but the registration schedule for foreign students is different from that of the other students. Apparently Monday was reserved for students in the IES program. Or maybe he’s joking, just trying to freak you out a little to break the ice. You really have no idea.
“I wasn’t aware we were registering by groups. I thought I had more time.”
“Yeah, well…” His face brightens a bit. “What do you want to register for?”
Okay, he was either joking with you, or that deadline really did exist and he’s willing to accommodate. Regardless of the circumstances, you register for that last class. Success!
You’re finally ready to ATTEND CLASS. Turn to PAGE 11.
-------------------------------------------------
PAGE 11
You miss your tram and arrive at the University at 10:05, five minutes late. But wait – why is the classroom empty? Oh, that’s right – German academic hours are forty-five minutes, starting at fifteen past the hour! You have ten minutes to relax. How cool is that? You go out and get an apfelstrudel and a cup of coffee. No, you don’t have a choice.
You sit down in your first class, your brain primed by one month of presession courses with the Language Institute. With the exception of a few technical terms you understand what’s being said, mostly thanks to the professor’s relatively weak accent. After class is over, you triumphantly step outside into the near-perpetual sun of Freiburg.
And then you remember something.
The papers. The papers! The course registration confirmation receipts that we needed to hand in! It’s fine – the prof didn’t ask for them, and there had to have been a reason why IES' Herr Administrator never mentioned them. Maybe they aren't important. Maybe they are. Maybe the prof will ask for them tomorrow? You don’t know.
Three hours later you’re sitting on the steps outside another one of your classes. That class' professor didn't ask for one either. In fact, none of your professors ever do.
…so there was nothing to worry about in the first place.
Success!
THE END.
AFTERWORD
It is widely accepted that only the Egyptians and Vogons rival Germany in the field of bureaucratic opacity. This is completely true. Leaving it at that, though, is a disservice to the brave men and women who work within bureaucracy on a daily basis. Although I am a dangerously absentminded person grappling with the complexities of a system that by all accounts espouses Lovecraftian notions of chaos, I have a safety net in the form of everyone who isn't me. It makes me wonder whether I will need a maid, a sophisticated British butler, a wife, or a really nice cell phone to remind me of my priorities once I'm back in the States.
Please be the phone, please be the phone, please be the phone...
Cheers,
-Jared Boze
You miss your tram and arrive at the University at 10:05, five minutes late. But wait – why is the classroom empty? Oh, that’s right – German academic hours are forty-five minutes, starting at fifteen past the hour! You have ten minutes to relax. How cool is that? You go out and get an apfelstrudel and a cup of coffee. No, you don’t have a choice.
You sit down in your first class, your brain primed by one month of presession courses with the Language Institute. With the exception of a few technical terms you understand what’s being said, mostly thanks to the professor’s relatively weak accent. After class is over, you triumphantly step outside into the near-perpetual sun of Freiburg.
And then you remember something.
The papers. The papers! The course registration confirmation receipts that we needed to hand in! It’s fine – the prof didn’t ask for them, and there had to have been a reason why IES' Herr Administrator never mentioned them. Maybe they aren't important. Maybe they are. Maybe the prof will ask for them tomorrow? You don’t know.
Three hours later you’re sitting on the steps outside another one of your classes. That class' professor didn't ask for one either. In fact, none of your professors ever do.
…so there was nothing to worry about in the first place.
Success!
THE END.
AFTERWORD
It is widely accepted that only the Egyptians and Vogons rival Germany in the field of bureaucratic opacity. This is completely true. Leaving it at that, though, is a disservice to the brave men and women who work within bureaucracy on a daily basis. Although I am a dangerously absentminded person grappling with the complexities of a system that by all accounts espouses Lovecraftian notions of chaos, I have a safety net in the form of everyone who isn't me. It makes me wonder whether I will need a maid, a sophisticated British butler, a wife, or a really nice cell phone to remind me of my priorities once I'm back in the States.
Please be the phone, please be the phone, please be the phone...
Cheers,
-Jared Boze
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